Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
💻🤡
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Everything reminds me of my ex
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons