Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
WHO DID THIS?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…