teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
181.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Customer is always right
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are