to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
You Might Also Like
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
LOOOOOOL
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.