her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.