For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
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Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking