Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.