Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
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You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*