FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
God has abandoned us.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’