Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
What the dentist sees
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Lmao
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Sharon I have some bad news
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?