Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
You Might Also Like
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.