this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
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Yup….perfect score!
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Watson was Holmes schooled
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]