[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
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Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Not my job 😂
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day