I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
the dark web is just a goth google.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er