MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: