I was just discussing this with my cat
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I’m literally crying
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol