airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.