A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect