[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.