Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I have never related to a cat more
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
life finds a way
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise