Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.