Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.