Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.