me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review