What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
knights of the ikea table
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.