love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions