Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods