It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing