me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
You Might Also Like
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD