Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*