My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My five year plan is a meteorite
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned