Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.