her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.