A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
every college guy’s fridge
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?