Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more