Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what