Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Mmmm canned fish.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.