I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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listen closely
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”