The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Finally a use for spoilers…
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way