Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
sliding into dms like
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.