I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My boss called in sick of me
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.