[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
You Might Also Like
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears