Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.