First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
You Might Also Like
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.