There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
🛁
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down