Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
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HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?