So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in