Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My guardian angel deserves a raise
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone