as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Not all heroes wear capes….
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right