Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.